Fears

One of the difficulties I have as a result of cerebral palsy is when the surface of the ground below my feet changes. If I'm walking on concrete and I enter an area that has gravel, I can often trip or stumble. I can walk on gravel but I just need to walk slower and ensure my footing is solid. Gravel is unhelpful as it often moves under foot.

If the ground level changes, like when crossing the road, I need to deal with the drop or heightened curb. This can cause me to trip up as I struggle to either judge the curb height or my leg muscle doesn't have the flexibility or strength to raise high enough to clear the curb. I often need to walk further along a road to find a lowered curb edge so that I can guarantee a safe crossing to the other side of a road.

Cobbled streets are difficult because of their natural uneven edges. I also feel the pressure under foot as my feet are extremely sensitive to changing pressure. I wear foot orthoptics inside my shoes or trainers as these help align my feet and support my walking. At night time I need leg splints to support my muscles.

I'm checking all the street surfaces on the London marathon route and fear there's going to be a few painful areas I will need to walk through. I know it's doable as I have great trainers, good advice and the right support so feel it's manageable but it's still a bit scary. Fear produces a good adrenaline rush for me though! 

My other fear is the crowd of other participants. As cerebral palsy effects my balance it can make me wobbly. If I'm facing a crowded area I tend to wait for the crowd to pass by for fear of being knocked over. As a young child I would often be blown over by the wind. Not cool during the school day! During early school days I had a small doll's buggy to hold on to to support me and keep my feet on the ground. Pushing a little doll in a dolls pram in nursery and early years was far more acceptable in school than a big bulky stability walking frame on offer. Other children offered to help me and enjoyed playing with the pram, doll and me but they all knew not to remove the little pram from my grip or over I would go.

My last fear is letting others down by holding them back as I can't walk fast as others. I can manage to keep a steady pace by I'm aware I walk a lot slower than others.  I don't want to push my walking pace for fear of tripping or damaging my muscles. I need to stay focused on the fuller challenge ahead, I need to pace myself and stay on track. I want to be able to keep going day after day so it wouldn't be worth me letting my fears control me. I'm going to take a deep breath and keep going at the right pace for me. 

Over the years, many of my specialists have explained to me and my family that things I might need or want to do could be taking 3x the strength or 3x the impact on my body than it would for an able bodied person. For me to do 5 miles a day is the equivalent of an able-bodied person doing 15 miles a day. I'll know at the end of each day's challenge I'm going to be struggling but I will keep going.

Every day I still feel shocked that Alex and James from Deutsche Bank have agreed to do this challenge with and for me. It's even more overwhelming to hear they are prepared to undertake a marathon a day for each day I'm out walking. That's crazy! I will never be able to thank them enough for their commitment to me and to this massive challenge ahead. I didn't think people that kind existed! I admire them so much.

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